you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize