Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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