Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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