What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
