im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
