Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
