That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
