So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
