Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
false alarm. still invincible.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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