How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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