I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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