Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
bring money and cleavage
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
