Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
