I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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