I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
