Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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