I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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