I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
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