She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
