You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
