Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
