What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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