you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
