I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
