two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
