I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
