dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
