True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
