yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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