my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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