Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I need a burrito and a hug.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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