Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
