My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize