I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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