HIV tests are more positive than that guy
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
