your parents love me but you hate me
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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