Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize