watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
