I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
you had me at cake vodka
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
