remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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