I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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