i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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