dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
