I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
