Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
