i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
