Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
