Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
