I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
