If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize