and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
