with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I want to be your penis for a week.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
