my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
