my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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