I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize