I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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